


Lazer Quest 2

by yorkisms



Series: Lazer Team Fantasy/Dungeons and Dragons AU [5]
Category: Lazer Team (Movies)
Genre: Dungeons and Dragons AU, Fantasy AU, Multi, copious artistic license with D&D lore
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-03-02
Packaged: 2019-10-21 06:43:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17637764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yorkisms/pseuds/yorkisms
Summary: When sorcerer Woody Johnson disappears during magical research, it's up to his coworker, friend, and assistant Archmage Maggie Wittington, a withdrawn but determined drow warlock to track down his old adventuring party to help her find him.





	1. Rifts & Revolutions

**Author's Note:**

> Me, every day, for the last several years: I swear I wrote Lazer Quest 2, I just haven't posted it yet! 
> 
> So...LQ2 is going to be a lot more put together and more elegant than 1, as much as I loved writing 1. I guess that's just growth. 
> 
> I imagine it'll go to a shorter amount of chapters as well, but I do have to say my favorite part of this was designing Maggie's character for LQ. It felt like the universe was lacking her up until the very moment she came to life.
> 
> Lazer Quest 2 is best enjoyed alongside its prequel, but for those who don't want to read it (I don't blame you, it's so old and not my best):
> 
> The antarians are fae folk, and they created magic armor to lure heroes to participate in their coliseum games. The team stumbled across one such set in a forest dungeon outside Milford. 
> 
> WOODY is a half-elf sorcerer and ex-grifter-accomplice whose magic runs in fits and starts without his piece of the armor, a magic AMULET. 
> 
> HERMAN is a tiefling rogue and grifter who used to travel with Woody. He had a bad limp that he used to get sympathy from others before gaining his piece, WINGED BOOTS. 
> 
> HAGAN is a paladin who was retired prior to receiving the SHIELD. He adventured with Herman long ago, but they split up after Herman sustained his limp. He only recently regained his paladin magic, at the end of their first quest. His daughter, MINDY, is a ranger half-tabaxi skilled with the bow and arrow.
> 
> ZACH is a half-orc barbarian who is good enough at the physical elements of using his SWORD, but is irritated it has magic he hasn't been able to unlock yet- it's not his forte. He had, in the first installment, a relationship with Woody and Mindy that is on hiatus since they all went different career/life directions.
> 
> And ADAM is a nobleman and paladin, who was heading to the forest dungeon to retrieve the armor, and became very mad that a bunch of commoners got their hands on it. He traveled with them to visit one of the Antarians' cities, and was presumed dead before escaping. He's now the ruling force, the DUKE at Crystaloake castle, where he's kindly put up mages upon mages to study magic and the various planes of existence- including Woody Johnson.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Woody disappears. Adam is overthrown. Maggie assembles a team.

_Crystaloake Castle_

They had drawn the symbols on the ground, painstakingly, and she had placed the mystical artifact at the center.

“Is that the crystal I left you?” he asks, gesturing to her necklace.

She flushes, standing as she finishes the sigil she’s been drawing on the ground. 

“Yes.” 

“It was for magical study-”

“Oh.”

“It...doesn’t look awful.” 

She smiles to herself. 

“I’m going to charge the artifact. It shouldn’t have any negative effects on your amulet, but be careful.” 

“Ready,” he says, and she raises one hand, eyes glowing. 

“ _ Propia manu, quaere, clavis auraea, ad altoria tendo. _ ”

“It’s working,” the half-elf gasps, reaching one hand out to the portal, feet on the marks they had drawn on the ground. 

“Be careful,” comes the call. 

Woody Johnson turns away from the portal and towards his helper- a girl, drow, with white hair, white eyes, and dark skin spattered with starlike freckles.  

“It’s a stable rift!” He grins. “Write this down, Margaret! Day 243, we’ve created a stable rift from your artifact! It appears to-” 

The drow girl gasps as something reaches out from the portal, and pulls him in. 

“Woodrow-!” 

The portal closes. 

There’s a scream. 

\-- 

“Marchioness,” one of the servants says, racing down the hall after the woman, “Your brother does not want to see you right now, he’s-” 

The woman- blond, lithe, and dressed in full armor- wheels around to look at the servant. 

“I don’t care what he is. I need to see Adam.” 

The servant backs down, and the marchioness slams open the door to the throne room of Crystaloake. 

“Adam.” 

“Eve.” The duke looks up from his discussion with a woman the marchioness barely recognizes, but who dresses like one of Adam’s precious magicians. She’s drow, and has white dots across her skin that look like stars. 

“I’m sure you were informed,” Adam says icily, “That I was in a meeting. Of utmost. Importance.” 

“Well, I told them I didn’t care about your meeting,” she says, glaring at Adam. “I have a more important announcement. Since you  _ didn’t _ take that magic armor, this duchy has gone to shit, brother.” 

“I would disagree.” 

“I’m sure you would. Anyway, this isn’t a complaint. It’s a coup.” 

Adam stands up, one hand on the hilt of his sword. 

“I’m the elder sibling, and duke of this land. Are you challenging me, Evie?” 

“Damn right.” she glares. “And don’t call me Evie.” 

Adam turns to the drow girl. 

“Leave this place. Find the others. Follow through with what you were suggesting.”

“Yes sir,” the drow says, before hurrying to the exit at the back of the room. Adam raises his sword. 

His sister raises her hand, blue flame surrounding it. 

“Who was that.” 

Adam spins his sword in hand, assuming a fighting stance. 

“I won’t tell you what you don’t need to know, Evie.” 

She snarls, drawing her sword and lunging for Adam. 

“Don’t! Call! Me! EVIE!”

\--

_ Milford _

Maggie rides up on her horse, ties it up at one of the inns, and enters. She pulls down the hood as she enters the dimly lit dining area. 

In the corner she spots who she came for- a tiefling. His feet are up on the table, and he’s drinking. 

She watches him intently for a moment, and the star-patterns on her arms and face glow slightly. Her ears twitch attentively. 

She sits across the table from him.

He looks her up and down.

“Herman Mendoza?” she asks. 

“Are you a fan?” 

“...yes,” she lies. 

“Aw, cool. You wanna hear all about it?” 

Maggie tries not to roll her eyes. 

“Well...yeah. But I...know some other people! Who would like to meet. Later. At the edge of the woods to the east. There’s a house.” 

“Aw, yeah, alright, sounds good girl. See ya this evening?” 

“Sure! Sure.” 

Maggie backs out of the situation slowly, remembering to put the hood up on her cloak as she leaves. 

-

“Zach Spencer?” 

Maggie keeps her hood up, since Zach is sitting outside a storefront. “Yeah.” 

“I need to um...hire you! For a very important job.” She nods. “Can you help me?” 

Zach looks up at her and whistles lowly, giving her a wink. “Course, girl. What d’ya need?” 

Maggie sighs quietly. 

“Can you meet me in the east woods at sundown? There’s a house there, just go in.” 

Maggie reaches one hand into her satchel and flashes a pouch of gold coins. “It’ll be worth your time.” 

“I’ll be there.” 

Maggie nods and makes her exit.  _ Two down, one to meet. _

\-- 

Moving from one house in the woods to another isn’t much of an upgrade, but the new location is further from where he started, and he gets out...a fair amount. 

So Anthony Hagan tries not to be too depressed with what he’s got. 

The house feels a little empty now, sure, but that’s...fine. Herman is getting back from spending a week or so out working tonight, but Hagan isn’t expecting him over for another day, at least- with the amount Herman still runs around, he keeps his own quarters wherever he feels like it. 

Mindy’s adventuring properly, like he did at her age. Last letter he got from her, she was doing just fine. Her and her partner, Jules, an elf girl Hagan had met once or twice, had captured a famed pirate and smuggler for a massive bounty. She promised to let him know if she was rolling through town, but didn’t think she’d be by any time soon.

So yet another night alone was on the menu. 

Not that that was a bad thing. 

Or, that was the plan until there was a knock on the door. 

“Herman?” 

“Tony?” Herman looks...surprised. “I didn’t know you moved. Where’s the drow chick?” 

“The  _ who? _ ” 

Herman lets himself in. “You said you got a new place, really, you just went back to how you were living before we got back together, you're better than this-” 

“ _ Back _ together? I thought you were just going to rest tonight, Herman-” 

“Well that  _ was _ the plan until this drow girl-” 

“Is she going to try and kill you?” Hagan deadpans. Herman shrugs. 

“I mean...not sure.”

“Whatever.” 

They both look up as Zach enters.  

“What?” 

“ _ What? _ ” 

“What are you two doing here?” Zach asks, gesturing with the hilt of his magic sword, which has covered in some kind of interminable rust. 

“I live here, Zach.” 

“I just found out he lives here.” 

“Why are  _ you _ here?” 

“Some drow chick offered me a ton of cash to show up here tonight, I dunno!” 

The three fall silent at the third knock. 

Standing at the door in the fading light is Maggie, her hood down at last. 

“Sorry I’m late, but we really need to talk. Matter of extreme urgency. Privacy. Can’t meet in public.” 

She steps in, her cloak shifting, and looks up at the trio. Her eyes are blank and white and yet full of expression. The freckles on her face and exposed arms glow, fading in and out. 

“Your friend is in grave danger and you’re the only ones who can help.” 


	2. Plans & Pacts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie learns why she really shouldn't let Zach, Herman, and Hagan into a room filled with magical relics and experiments.

Maggie’s removed her cloak before talking further. Underneath is a plain white shirt with the sleeves rolled up, pants, and thick, sturdy boots. She paces the floor as Zach, Herman, and Hagan sit at Hagan’s dining room table. 

“So who the hell are you?” Zach asks. 

“My name is Maggie Wittington. I used to study magic at Crystaloake Castle. A few days ago, we had a magical accident and a coup.”

“A coup?” Hagan looks concerned. “We haven’t heard of any such thing.”

“That’s not surprising.” Maggie wrings her hands. “The coup-- well, I’ll start with the magic accident. Your friend, Woodrow Johnson, he and I were working on a whole new kind of magical apocrypha. It was similar to the recovered antarian enchantments from your armor, but completely different at the same time, it was a whole new set of...runes, sigils, energies. It was a big deal and--an honor to work with such a magical genius.” 

Herman rolls his eyes. Maggie either doesn’t notice or ignores him. 

“Four days ago, we opened a successful portal to another plane with this magic. Woody was sucked in. Before I could arrange for a scouting party, one of the court revolted against Adam and took his throne- I don’t know where he is now. Our scouts returned from the other plane with just this.” 

Maggie, from her bag, removes Woody’s magical amulet. 

“Oh my gods.” 

“They killed him!” 

She sighs, looking at her feet. 

“The coup prevented me from arranging a rescue. So I came here. Duke Adam’s last orders.”

“He had to give last orders for you to come and bother us.” 

“Because we need your help to save Woody!” 

Zach stares at the amulet. “Woody got his stupid magic armor off.” 

Maggie pauses. “What?” 

Zach unsheathes his sword and waves it. “Look, my shit’s starting to rust! Having a cool magic sword wasn’t bad, but it’s decaying!” 

“Yeah man, my boots have a hole in them.”

“The shield’s fine…”

“Because you never use it!” Zach yelps. “We need this shit gone or replaced and wherever Woody is he knows how to do it!” 

“We can be normal again!” 

“But before that we can go adventuring again?”

Maggie pinches the bridge of her nose. “Look, I really don’t care about your individual motivations here, as long as we move fast. We have to get back to Crystaloake Castle before the marchioness confiscates everything I have that we can use to track down Woody. Come on!” 

“Alright,” Zach says, standing up. “As long as I don’t have to ride with these two on the way.” 

\--

Maggie can hear the three complaining as she spurs her wagon towards Crystaloake, but she ignores them. She has to get back into the city, then to the things Woody left her from their research. 

The conduit. The books.

She pulls on the reins at the gates to the city. 

“Archmage Wittington, I thought you weren’t back for a few more days?” 

Maggie waves it off. “Ran a little early with the last of my errands.”

“Will you be heading to the castle to see the mar-- the duchess?” 

Maggie’s stomach turns, and she shakes her head. “Just to pick up my stuff. I...am not a fan, of the marchioness.” 

“The Duchess.”

“She...beat Adam?” 

The guard nods. “Adam is...god knows where. Dead or worse.”

“Then I’ll need to get out of here as fast as possible.” 

“You know the rules, Archmage. Uh...what’s that sound?” 

Maggie hears a muffled noise from under the things in her wagon. She shrugs, and makes eye contact with the guardsman. 

Only visible by her hands on the reins, the dots of white on her arms glow brighter. 

“Nothing. You didn’t see anything out of the ordinary with me, I’m moving to White Barrow and came to get my things. Clear?” 

“Clear. Have a good trip, Archmage.”

Maggie whips her horse forwards into the city.

-

“This is all dangerous and possibly unstable magic,” Maggie says, opening the door to the building that belonged to her and Woody. “It’s very important that you do not touch any-”

“Is this a dogpack tooth?” Zach asks, holding up a large fang. Maggie pales. 

“Don’t apply that without help, it’s very dangerous, we-” 

“I’ll help,” Hagan says noncommittally. “What’s it do? How do we-"

“It lets you talk to dogs,” Zach says, opening his mouth. “You see where my bottom front tusk got broken, just put it right there-” 

Maggie cringes, and raises one hand. As Hagan reaches towards Zach’s mouth, a purple-pink circle of light appears where his hand is going, and reaches out an identical one next to Maggie.. She grabs the tooth. 

“Nobody is getting a relic.” 

She runs one hand through her hair. “Woody made new armor based on the resilience of the pieces of the antarian magic armor. These are tailored to fit your abilities precisely. Zach and Hagan, you both have plate armor, and for Herman, he designed you a stealth-friendly but strong suit. I have this.” 

“A vest?” 

“That’s not very protective.”

“It protects the important stuff,” Maggie says, slightly embarrassed. “Besides, I need my arms exposed to work magic.” 

“Why do you need that?” 

“It’s...part of my pact.” 

“Pact?” 

Maggie picks up a jar of red ochre, and begins to draw on the floor as Zach, Herman, and Hagan suit up. 

“I’m a warlock.” 

“Woah, what?” 

Maggie sighs. “Not like that. Really. I know people think that when they hear ‘drow warlock’, but it’s not true. When I was a child, over two hundred human years ago, I migrated to the surface from the Underdark. I wasn’t happy there. There are more of us like that than you think. And when I came up, it was on the night of a new moon. And I met a spirit from the stars, Astraea. She is my patron.” 

“So she’s not evil?”

“The opposite!” Maggie rolls her sleeves up with one hand. “Astraea gave me magic and knowledge in exchange for passing knowledge on to her and running her the occasional errand, that’s about it. And I need my arms exposed because of the tattoos.”

“I thought they were freckles,” Herman says. 

“They look like them, but they’re actually a powerful magical conduit and signature. To any magical creature they’re a...uh...trademark. Maker’s mark. Brand. Lets the more powerful ones know who to take their issues to. And keeps them off of us.” 

Maggie finishes drawing the symbols and washes her hands of red ochre in a bucket of water.

“Is that where you got the portal magic?” Hagan asks. Maggie nods. 

“It’s...Astraea’s pact magic. Unique to me.” 

Maggie stands in front of the portal. “Are you ready? The portal will be noticeable when we open it. Guards will come. Or the marchioness herself. You have to be prepared for it.” 

“We’re ready.” 

Maggie raises one hand and opens the portal.


	3. Interdimensional travel & Interferences

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before the team can enter Maggie's portal, they get interrupted by the new boss. And once they do, they get split up by unknown forces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, sitting bolt upright at eleven pm: Saturdays are LQ2 updates!

“Duchess Evelyn.” 

“Yes, Vandenbloom?” 

“We’re uh...getting some odd magical spikes from Archmages Johnson and Wittington’s lab…” 

Kilborne stands up, one hand on her sword’s hilt. “Take me there. Now.” 

-

“This is your power?” 

“Magnified by a thousand times by this!” Maggie holds up a black, spherical stone. “The conduit! We don’t know where it came from except through one of those portals, right to Duke Adam himself. We’ve been using it to explore these portals. This is the configuration Woody disappeared into.”

Maggie clips the conduit to a spot on her belt. “We should be good to g-”

She breaks off as the door to the building slams. 

“Archmage Wittington.” 

Maggie turns around, fear and determination in her eyes. “Marchioness Evelyn.” 

“That’s duchess,  _ Archmage,  _ and I believe I need to repossess your laboratory.”

Hagan lifts the shield. “If you want to get to her you gotta go through us.”

Kilborne barks out a laugh. “What, you think I can’t take these three? Dad bod, baby face-- flat footed  _ loser! _ ” With that, she kicks Herman in the knee. He crumples. “Only a true hero even stands a  _ chance. _ And I don’t see any of  _ those _ here.” 

“We’re gonna see about that. Kid, get your sword.” 

“Uh, it’s like, super rusted, dude. If I tried to hit her it’d probably break.” 

“I don’t care, just- look threatening!” 

Zach raises his sword slightly. Kilborne barks out another laugh, elbowing Hagan in the stomach, causing him to fall over before knocking Zach’s sword out of his hand. 

“Archmage Wittington!” 

Kilborne moves to throw a punch, but is startled by a sudden impact to her face. Maggie smirks, dissipating a portal that had mirrored Kilborne’s punch. 

“Come on!” 

Maggie rushes the rest of the team through the portal. She turns to the portal, and feels her cape get caught. 

“Fuck!” 

“Get back here, Archmage Wittington!” 

Maggie growls, tugs hard on her cloak, and feels herself fall back into the portal with a shout. “Fuck you, Evie!” 

“Don’t  _ call _ me-” 

Maggie feels the wind get knocked out of her as she lands on the other side of the portal.

“Ah!” Maggie rolls away from Kilborne, who doesn’t move. “Oh. Un- unconscious.”

“Yeah,” Hagan says, breathing heavily. He looks at Maggie. “Where...where are we?” 

“The Plane of Vacuum,” Maggie says, dusting herself off. “Some kind of interplanar ship. In the Plane of Vacuum. I don’t know whose, but the conduit takes us here.” 

Maggie pulls out the conduit as Zach, Herman, and Hagan step towards the massive glass pane looking out into nothingness. 

“Woah.” 

“I wanted to go adventuring,” Hagan says. “We finally made it. I wish Mindy…” 

Zach fidgets nervously. 

“Not to break up the moment,” Maggie says, “But this might be a one way trip.” 

“What?” 

Maggie holds up the conduit, pale. A large crack splits its side. 

“And you can’t fix it?” Zach yells. 

“I’m not perfect, I’m just one elf!” Maggie sighs, clipping the conduit back to her belt. “Woody can fix it. He can.”

“Yeah. Sure.”

“What about her?” 

All four turn their attention to Kilborne. 

“I say we leave her,” Herman says airily. Hagan glares. 

“Herman, that is a human being, we can’t just leave her here to be killed or otherwise by--”

“Ah, ah, Tony. You’re the only human here. And I doubt these two have much love for humans.” 

Zach shrugs. “Not really.” 

Maggie fidgets, clearly trying to remain neutral. “I mean…” 

Hagan sighs tiredly. “Fine.”

\--

The group moves through the side passages of the ship with Maggie leading the way. She pauses, looking ahead. 

“Something’s coming.” 

“What?” 

Zach, Herman, and Hagan whirl around to look behind them at the short, nonhuman guards standing there. As they look back at Maggie, they see her pulled into a portal. 

“Fuck!” 

Zach lunges, but the portal closes before he can even reach. 

“Let’s just defeat these guards and figure out what just happened, ok?” Hagan says. “Look, it doesn’t have to be that hard, we can go easy on them.” 

“Yeah, sure,” Herman says, stretching his legs in place. “Easy.”

-

“Hey, Hagan. Probably went a little too easy.”

“Shut up.”

“Greetings, champions!” 

Zach groans. “Not again. You gotta be kidding me.”

“We are going to enjoy having you in our home plane,” the voice says, and all three feel dread in the pit of their stomachs.


	4. Enchantments & Eldritch creatures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zach, Herman, and Hagan argue. The team is reunited, and meets someone- er, some- _thing-_ new.

“Hey, what the hell is this.” 

Zach places one hand on the invisible boundary of their room. 

“Some kind of magic,” Hagan observes quietly. 

“Well no shit, but they took my frikkin’ sword! I thought that wasn’t supposed to be possible!” 

“Yes, the suit weapons reappear with us if we don’t have them.”

“Then-” 

“ _ But, _ ” Hagan interrupts, “The Antarians made them, so they can take them back. That’s what we originally went to them for.”

“So they took our weapons and-” 

“Well,” Herman says with a shrug, “If you saw the same thing I saw, they obliterated ‘em.”

“But we can’t have fucking seen that! Because what’re we gonna do if they did  _ that? _ ” 

Herman shrugs. “Retire from adventuring and live like kings off the royalties of the epics they’re  _ going _ to write about us?” 

“Not have to explain that we can’t leave the suit behind in weapon checks at taverns?” Zach suggests.

“Both of you shut up,” Hagan snaps. 

“Hey, it’s just the truth.” 

“Herman,” Hagan says, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I have no idea why I’m still with you.” 

“You’re so rude.” 

“So what is this place?” Zach asks. “There’s not really anything in here. Just, I dunno, this stupid rocking chair and a stick. The stick is mine, by the way.” 

“You can have the stupid stick.” 

“Dibs on the chair.”

“Thanks,” Hagan deadpans. “Real teamwork. We need to get out of here and find Maggie and Woody.”

“Yeah, genius, with what?” 

“I don’t know.” 

“But back to my first question though, seriously, what the hell is this place.” 

Hagan steps forwards slightly, reaching one hand out until it hits a magical barrier. “Shit!” 

Runes flash on some sort of wall between them and the outside world. “I really don’t have a good feeling about this.” 

“At least I got a chair.” 

Hagan summons a small spell, and shoots the barrier. It crackles and becomes transparent, but still present. 

“Guys?” 

“What?” 

“I don’t think this is a prison. Come look.” 

Something in Hagan’s tone makes Herman stand, and look out the front of their cell. “Woah.” 

What they see are cells just like theirs, with the fronts covered, looking like they go on for miles. Zach shakes his head. “Fuck this, we need to find what’s her face.” 

“And how  _ exactly  _ do you recommend we get out of this-- this-- menagerie?!” 

“I don’t  _ know _ , okay!” 

“Howdy, y’all!” 

“Woody!” 

The three move quickly up to the front of the magic barrier. 

“How’d you get here without the amulet?” Herman says. 

“Are you okay?” 

“Yeah, why aren’t you in here?” 

“I gotta take you to my friend,” Woody says cheerfully. “First I gotta let you out-” 

“No no no Woody, let us tell you-” 

Woody holds up a journal. “He made notes for me. Smart Woody. Tellin’ me what to do and stuff.” 

“Does it tell you how to get us out?” 

“Let’s see. If the team is captured, you must lib- liberace? No, liberaa…”

“Liberate us,” Hagan corrects exasperatedly. “What next.” 

“Oh, it’s this character riiight...here.” Woody presses one of the runic markings, which malfunctions and causes his hair to stand up as if he’s received an electric shock. “Oops. Wrong one.” 

“Fucking idiot,” Zach mutters. “You really can’t survive without us, what were you thinking, I- we-.” 

“Aw, come on. Just cause I decided to live at Crysta- Crys’aloak stead of adventurin with you?” 

“Let us out, Woody, now’s not the time.” 

“Oh! I pressed the one right next to it!” Woody beams proudly. “Here you go!” 

This time it works, and the barrier drops. Before it opens again, the other three step past the threshold. 

“Now,” Hagan says, arranging his armor. “Who’s your friend?” 

“Follow me.”

-

Woody leads them to the bowels of the massive transdimensional vessel. “In here,” he proudly proclaims. 

“Maggie!” 

Maggie is brushing off her cape and clothes, and looks excited to see everyone. “You’re all okay! And- Archmage Woodrow!” 

“Hey there sweetheart.” 

Maggie blinks confusedly. 

“He didn’t tell you,” Zach perceives with a shit eating grin. “Were you afraid of what she’d think, huh buddy?” 

“I dunno what you’re talkin’ about. But we need to find my friend.”

“Wait,” Hagan says. “You’re not talking about Maggie?” 

Before Woody can respond, a...thing, unlike any of the adventurers has ever encountered steps out of the back of the room. 

It’s a plainly inhuman thing, like no race on their plane. It has many tentacles- like the ones that they had seen take Maggie away- and an odd, ever-changing face. 

Naturally, they scream. 

“Guys, guys, calm down, he’s friendly!” 

“He’s  _ what?! _ ” Maggie shrieks. “He’s an eldritch being! Just looking at one wrong can drive you mad!” 

“Just listen to him, okay? This is Dulos, and he needs our help.”

“Dulos needs frying oil,” Herman mutters.  

The creature lowers his ever-shifting tentacles, and speaks in a thousand voices. He’s still intimidating, but his tone is gentle. 

“I am the last of many, heroes. The antarians adopted me as their master of games- I created the magic that bound you to your artifacts and drew you to their city. After you laid waste to their outpost on the material plane, they were angered, and vowed to destroy all that would not bow to them. They have destroyed any plane inhabited by a champion of theirs, and taken the surviving champion as their own. You have seen the extent of their destruction in their menagerie.” 

“We did,” Hagan says with a nod.

“They now head to the material plane. Your plane. To wipe out all life there, and keep you as their prisoners.” 

“They can’t do that,” Maggie says. “There’s so much life on the material plane, they can’t just-” 

“They can, young warlock, and they will. The loss of life has been massive. I require your help to put an end to this horror.” 

“We have to help,” Maggie decides, putting her fist in one hand. “We have to.”

“Maggie? How’s the conduit?” 

“Still broken,” Maggie says ruefully.

“Ah. That artifact can be mended with the same enchanting stone that powers your magic.”

“The crystal smart-Woody gave you?” Woody helpfully inquires. 

“...I lost it.” 

“You what?!” Zach exclaims

“Give me a break, you guys lost the artifacts! The crystal is way smaller!” 

Herman sighs tiredly. “Fine. What do we need to do.” 

“We must get you to the improved armor I enchanted for the centennial games,” Dulos says. “You must take it, and use its increased power to destroy the antarians.” 

“Come on,” Maggie says. “Which way.” 

“Down the-” 

Magic lights flash around the room, and all present look up at them with shock and confusion. 

“They are on their way,” Dulos says urgently. “This way. Down this tube. Your elf knows the way. I will meet you there.” 

“Um,” Hagan says, “What is this?” 

“Hurry!” 

“Just-- go,” Maggie says, and one by one they jump in. 


	5. Defecation & Divination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team try to take possession of the artifacts, but it's not going to be so easy. Kilborne makes her move with the confidence of a woman protected by prophecy.

"“It’s all over my cape,” Maggie complains, slogging through the blue sludge at the bottom of the hole. 

“What the hell is this stuff?” Hagan comments. “Some kind of rejected potion? It looks gross.” 

“Try not to get it in your eyes or mou-”

Maggie’s interrupted by Herman licking some off his fingers. She sighs tiredly. 

“Hey, it’s actually pretty tasty.” 

“Please don’t eat that.” 

“Why not?” 

“We have no idea if there are-- any allergies related to it by the races, or if it’s toxic, magic, cursed, or if-” 

They’re all cut off as the hole above them opens. 

“What the fuck is that?” Zach asks. They all look up at the weird form that obscures the hole, and process that  _ it’s definitely an antarian ass _ as more of the blue substance splatters on Herman. 

“Still fucking delicious,” Herman says without a trace of regret. Hagan gags a bit. 

“I’m never kissing you again.” 

“Worth it.”

“Gross, get a room.” 

“I’d like to the exact opposite of that, Zach, believe me.” 

“Get a divorce.” 

“We’re not- never mind.” Hagan crawls out of the excremental ooze and tries to wipe as much of it as possible off his armor. “Do you think this stuff is corrosive, Maggie?” 

“We would know already,” the drow mutters ruefully, scraping handfuls off of her robes. 

“Can’t you just take those off?” Woody asks, and Maggie shakes her head. 

“I’ll need them back on the material plane. The sunlight...I would burn without them.” 

“So you’re originally from the underdark?” Hagan says, sitting down to clean. 

“Yeah, I thought the whole thing was that’s only from being raised underground,” Herman says, investigating the fae shit.  

“Well, I lived the first fifty years of my life in the underdark. Moved to the surface when I was a kid. We traveled at night.” It’s what happens when you spend your formative years underground, as a drow. Sunlight doesn’t like you."

“Wait, how old are you?” 

“Two hundred and twelve.” 

Herman snickers at the surprised look on Hagan’s face. Maggie catches that nonverbal exchange, and looks embarrassed. “What, do I really seem that young?” 

“Lemme help you with that, pretty lady,” Woody insists, and conjures a spray of water that starts out as a bare trickle but ends up spraying Maggie harshly in the face. She splutters.

“Woody- I- oh. It cleaned off my robe…” 

Woody grins. “I knew I could do it! Smart Woody would have done sommat super fancy, but nothin’ beats water!”  

“You don’t seem that young,” Hagan assures over the sound of Woody helping Maggie wring out her now soaked robe. “I just forgot the extent of elf lifespans.” 

“Ha. Yeah. I sometimes forget that’s a long time for you humans.”

“You okay?” 

“Fine. Come on, we have to get those new artifacts.” 

Maggie straightens up, and everyone takes that as their cue to head for the exit. 

“I know the way!” Woody exclaims, rocking slightly on the balls of his feet. “Follow me, y’all.” 

“You don’t trust him, do you?” Herman mutters quizzically to Maggie. 

“That’s complicated,” she replies, before jogging off after the sorcerer. 

-

Woody leads them to a room with artifacts. Maggie spends as much time as possible examining them. 

“So these’re the things that made me smart?” 

“Yes. They have the same enchantments, and...if one was smart enough to remove them, they could repair the conduit.” 

“So do it!” Zach exclaims. Maggie starts. 

“What? We need these to defeat the antarians. It either fixes the conduit or it gives you your weapons back, it’s one or the other. The pieces don’t activate unless they’re all accepted and enchanted, so even if I pulled the magic off, say, the sword, to fix the conduit...the shield, boots, and amulet wouldn’t work.” Maggie casts a guilty look to Woody. “No more armor, no more team.” 

Woody picks up the amulet. “I know you like me better smart, Margaret-”

“No, Woody, that’s not true, please don’t say that.” She pauses. “I was surprised, that’s all. I didn’t know that was the extent of the amulet’s power. I like you for you, because you’re kind of dumb and sweet and good to spend time with, okay? And we have to think about how the material plane is going to be obliterated if we don’t do something. That’s way more important than us.” 

“Maggie’s right.” 

“Of course you’d say that,” Herman exclaims with a wave of his hands. 

“I thought you liked the boots?” 

“Yeah, I do! I’m just ragging on you because you’re a god damn paladin, of course you’re going to say that!” 

“Okay, can we cut back on the blasphemy, here-” 

“Zach?” Everyone follows Woody’s gaze to Zach, who’s staring at the sword where it lies. 

“I just don’t know.” 

“Why?” Maggie asks. “Not to be...racist, but I’d think you of all people would love to return to battle-”

“Yeah, well, I’m half human, and the human half wants to go home.” 

“If we don’t do this, there will  _ be _ no home to go back to.” 

As if on cue, Dulos arrives. 

“Dulos!” Woody exclaims, as if the aura of fear that follows the old god around isn’t enough of a declaration of arrival on its own. Everyone else shudders. 

“You have to hurry,” Dulos burbles in a thousand tongues, about half of which sound like nails on a chalkboard. “Take the weapons. They are coming.” 

Maggie tries to hand the sword to Zach, by the blade so it doesn’t bond to her. “Please.” 

Zach looks from person to person, then sighs, and reaches for the hilt. Herman celebrates in place as Woody puts on the amulet and Hagan lifts the shield. Runes start to glow on all the pieces, and Maggie looks amazed, starstruck even. 

“Alright, let’s--” 

Before they can move, Dulos disintegrates. Woody makes a very unhappy noise, and Zach jumps in place. Maggie wants to comfort Woody by reminding him that whoever did that most likely only killed the current avatar of Dulos, but they have more pressing issues. 

Marchioness Evelyn Kilborne stands in the doorway, armor dented. “I took care of the eldritch horror for ya.” 

Maggie’s ears twitch, and she balls her hands into fists at her side. “He was helping us!”

Kilborne shrugs. “Oops. Now, Archmage, we’re going back to Crystaloake, where I’m going to have you locked up for the rest of your natural lifespan. I won’t be around to see it, but you will, and you’re gonna regret every moment. At least you’ll be able to say hi to my brother.” 

Hagan narrows his eyes. “That’s not going to happen.”

“Actually…” Kilborne folds her arms, and the team starts as Antarians appear in the room. “It is. Me and my new allies here are heading back to the material plane, where they’re going to remove that armor from you, give it to me, and put me in charge. And you know all about how none of you can stop me, Wittington.”

“Your ‘prophecy’?” Maggie says. “We’ll see about that. Someone of your late father’s means could have secured any words on you and Adam from anyone. Prophecy or not, Marchioness, I’m going to take you down.” 

Kilborne guffaws at that. “We can only be killed by a  _ true hero. _ And your self-centered, low-born friends aren’t going to do that anytime soon. And you, little drow, are no hero either.” She smirks. “Take them to that...observation deck, you called it. I’m going to give them a front row seat as I take control of the fate of the material plane.” She strides over to Maggie and pulls out the Conduit from Maggie’s robes. 

“You don’t even need that!” 

“No, but you do.” Kilborne tosses it in the air, catches it, and saunters out.

**Author's Note:**

> Do you enjoy this work, and/or any of my other works? Let me know on tumblr at maggie-wittington! There you can also find more information about my requests, send me fanart (PLEASE DO THIS) and discover other ways to support my work. And you can always leave a kudos or comment! 
> 
> Thank you for reading!


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